For whats it worth...

With a zillion thought zipping past your mind how do you decide which one to pen down first when you decide to start blogging again... I registered for a blog marathon event at National blog Posting Month http://nablopomo.ning.com/ .. thinking of taking up the challenge with two of my Twitter/Facebook friends Prateek http://blog.prats.co.in/ and Preeti http://justamotheroftwo.blogspot.com/ . Been a week since that day and I wasnt able to post anything.. to many days spent worrying over a relative's health .. make that two now .. and then there were the usual demons to fight of my own...
While Prateek and Preeti are doing marvelously I decided to make a start .. am not sure if I can keep up writing for the next one month .. one post everyday but I would like to make a sincere effort starting today ... it may not be a long post as I am used to writing but I would try to make one post a day...
Coming back to deciding what to pen down .. I would start with something nice and not so gloomy .. its best to concentrate on the good things happening in your life than the not go good ones. I CHOOSE TO START GOOD!..For the rest of the not so good things in life there is always an ignore button .. people, thoughts, memories... everything can be ignored !

A few days back while commuting to work I was introspecting ... was actually surprised about the way I have turned out as a human being ... I've was really clueless about myself for sometime now .. I mean I never really took a good look at the mirror and checked myself out .. but come to think of it I like myself. Despite all my foolish mistakes of the past today I find myself better poised to face the world alone today ( I lay stress on alone here because I feel one of our biggest weaknesses is insecurity..fear of being alone ). Like they say courage is not about screaming the loudest in the midst of a crowd , its about whispering aloud alone.

I am not sure if I am courageous but I am confident ..

...of my own abilities , my own vices and weaknesses ...there was a time because of my stupid mistakes I would often tell my cousins not to look upto me as a role model because I mess things out all the time...but ask me the same question today and I would say why not..
Perhaps the best gift my friends gave me on my birthday were those words which would stay with me for the rest of my life .... one of them said " I look upto you today ".. another " I would like to be like her at that age" ... I was pleasantly shocked because never have i ever thought I would hear those lines .. and when I sat back and reflected I realised they were damn right .. thought not everything but yes there are parts of my life, my personality that is something to be looked upto .... needless to say I was touched..
Another surprise was from another photog friend ( quite senior in the corporate world) when over dinner he said " you have a great personality and you are very transparent " ... I paused and replied back that day with a confidence " yes I have a good personality" .. that would have surprised me a few years back.... I would have never uttered those words ...
I have grown a lot( I would have started this line with "I think" but I am more sure of the "I have " part of it ), .... past 2 years since Mom passed away have been painful but now when I look back and see the way I have tried to move on and make something out of my life I feel I have finally started living a part of my dream ...
Dream of trying to be a decent human being ... am not scared of making a mistake anymore...of striving for things I beleive in , doing things I have always wanted to do ..realising what I am good at and what I shouldnt bother trying to master ...and being proud of whatever little or big that I have achieved so far...

....making attempts to mould a life which I will be proud of a few decades from now ...