Rumbling Ramblings of a frustrated mind

I do get the monday blues every monday. I mean its so typical of me to miss my normal 9:55 local and land up in office late. I cant bring myself to get outta bed and look forward to a new day ! There is definitely no jumping out of bed and getting ready to move to office for me. A lot of it has to do with the one sole sunday weekend that I get. I work 6 days and on sundays I am busy taking care of regular chores and also catching up on my reading and my photography. Its so tiring sometimes that I always end up tired on a sunday night. But thats the only way I can do something else other than work and not turn into a dull me with all work and no play.
Today is a landmark day for me. I completed 2 years in my present organisation. Its been 2 years since I graduated from IIMK and joined corporate life. Many rejoice on completing anniversaries but I have mixed feelings regarding the same. Mainly because I havent grown the way I wanted to... my learning curve isnt as accelerated as I had hoped for .. its not even 25% of what I have hoped for. I cannot say what the next year will hold for me.. will I get enough opportunities to learn? good avenues to explore .. I am clueless. I feel lost...
I have loved my line of work.... while almost everyone in my batch took up finance or marketing I fought for my 5 subjects to graduate in this field. I like working with people, for people and this function is both dynamic and challenging specially in a country like India. The most challenging trend that I have observed in these two years is that few very few people understand HR... what HR professionals do and why do they do what they do ? Several times I have been subject to backlashes from my own people for decisions which were beyond my dept but since we were the bearers of the news and also the facilitators between the employees and the management employees are unable to distinguish between the two. Sometimes I wonder is HR supposed to wave the magic wand and everything will be set right? Is HR in our country really so empowered ? I havent seen that in my 2 year career atleast.
I hope before I retire I see that ...
My love for this line hasnt dimished one bit but yes it has been tarnished...

Chalo kuch naya seekhe :)

Ok so here I am with my first blogpost on something more than stupid musings. I was fooling around with a few images on GIMP ( open source photoediting software). Lately I have been super impressed with Digital Art. A medium with strong overlays on photography but more with more avenues for creativity since here you create an image other than click one. Usually created with photoediting softwares like GIMP and Photoshop digital art delves into the depth of conceptual photography and photomontages. I am still very raw in this so wont be able to go on and on on the topic. Simply posting the pic I created with a texture from one of my flickr pals Purple Cactus ( http://www.flickr.com/photos/purple_cactus_shots/).

The sole reason while I used GIMP is because I find i dont have CS4 yet so waiting to try it out with Photoshop too soon just to check the flexibility. So here is how i created the image

1. Opened both the pictures in GIMP ( make sure you have the same sized images)

2. Copy pasted the texture picture over the main image.

3. Changed the opacity of the overlaid image to around 50 %.

5. Changed the attribute of the image to Multiply for the right effect. There are several options and they give out interesting image results.

6. Changed the color of the image.

7. Flattened both the images

8. Converted to JPEG and added the watermark through Picnik ( online photoediting software that i use through Flickr)

Phew ! Ok I know I suck big time in photography tutorials and I should have taken screen shots to show it clearly. Will do it next time pucca :)

Its Monday already... another hectic week begins... have a great week people ! God Bless you all !

Love thyself..

I didnt post yesterday. Am not keeping in good health lately. Stupid weather and some stress issues.. Am losing hair too !!!!! Nevermind, I do want to continue with the blog marathon at National blog Posting Month http://nablopomo.ning.com/. So i am making two post entries for today just so that I can make up for the missed one yesterday.
Had a very nice half and hour chit chat with one of my photogs pal. Lovely woman and such a lovely photographer. We got talking on how she aint able to give to much time to photography cause she has to give attention to her family and somewhere the balance is tilted at one end. While talking we realised that for a woman , the balance is always tilted towards the family first and all other aspirations come next. We have always felt the need to compromise for love, family and many a times the compromises are forced on us. Yes I do admit a lot of such compromises are of choice so I cannot just write its the evil family members pushing them to make the choices :D Am so glad about the way my photog friend has maintained herself.. she is one damn gorgeous lady and I love the fact that she still looks and tries to live the way she did before she got married.
When I look at the set of woman friends I have and the changes their lives have gone through post their marriage I wonder why do they start living a stereotype life of a married woman once the red vermillion is smeared on their forehead. Sadly most of them look so behenji types and have started putting on weight ! I know I am no one to start talking on weight issues but these were real gorgeous woman who have let themselves go... sad but I think if i get married tomorrow I would not stop taking care of myself the way I do today .. if not better but atleast I wont do anything worse ( am already in the pits anyway so cant fall further ;)) Is married life such a busy phase of your life that you dont have the time nor do you feel the need to make a trip to the parlour ? Or you have so drowned urself in those B grade pati parmeshwar movies that the next avataar that you would take up will be of the eternal sacrificial mother- Nirupa Roy..
Of course life changes once one is hitched to someone but I dont think the changes are so radical that one forgets a few essential basics ....where is the love for oneself here?
Self love is so much the best love and it took a very hard fall to realise. I dont know about what most women think but franky I am tired of putting the needs of someone else before mine. I think everything around me, every action by me should be driven by a need to keep me happy and appease my needs.

Not giving up things that i love for someone else, not moulding myself to the way someone else wants me to, no taking care of a second persons needs and keeping myself unhappy and hungry ..
Life in my terms sounds so cliche'd but thats the only way to go...

being a strong believer in "what goes round comes back" its best that I do good for myself ... in the end I get the returns to :P
A win-win !! Of course !

Everyday , every moment

.... so here I am back with my second post for the National blog Posting Month http://nablopomo.ning.com/. I got really lucky today. Doesnt happen too often I chance upon a bit of lady luck. I should say thank you Lord a lot more than I do:
Then why do I not do it today ?
Starting from whats on my mind right now ...
-thank you Lord for the wonderful view of the sea and the boats that I can see sitting in a temporary cabin from one of my office. It made my day and I feel cheerful and really excited to work. ( that is a rarity these days)

- thank you Lord for the parents i had without whom I do not think I would have been even 10% of what I am today. Always indebted and always will be. Bless me with the same Ma and Baba in my next birth too.

-thank you Lord for giving me a set of brothers who are protective enough to look after my well being but callous enough to let me do my own thing .. I wouldnt have grown otherwise.. I want them as my champions in my next life ...

- thank you Lord for making me a woman.... Despite being the so called weaker sex among the two I am much stronger emotionally than the male species and i feel its only because I am genetically built for the same. I can feel more, hurt more but i can love more , understand and empathise more ... equally balanced out... make me a woman in every birth..

- thank you for giving me the strength to walk away when its time... I will never learn otherwise..
-thank you for giving me the courage to start something new despite keeping alive my fears of my past mistakes .. I will never evolve otherwise..

- thank you Lord for giving me such wonderful friends who stand by me when I am down and out and protect me from the rest of the world and who leave the path for me when I want to be alone... bless them all everyday ..

- thank you Lord for giving me the rigth opportunities at the right time ( I thought a little late at times) so that I do not get too busy balancing too many things at the same time and end up frustrated ... I wouldnt have been able to explore my strength,weaknesses and skills to the best of my abilities.

- thank you Lord for keeping me sane during difficult times ... for I wouldnt have been able to provide support to those I love and those who need it the most at their most difficult times.

-thank you Lord for making me spontaneous .... I wouldnt know my possibilities are innumerable and endless if it aint for that ..

- thank you Lord for teaching me life's lessons one at a time so that I do not get bogged down with too many worries...

- thank you Lord for giving me my sense of humour and smile ... i know I can brighten up a gloomy face with it anyday ...

- thank you Lord for providing me enough health triggers to remind me to take care of myself first .. yet to get there fully but am working on it ..

-thank you Lord for the dream i get every night of the person I love ....it reminds me not to look back at the past anymore...

- thank you Lord for the tears I shed for they clear my eyes and my soul and help me heal...

-thank you Lord for being there and guiding me in every decision I make for it helps me improvise on past mistakes and helps attain perfection at times !

-Lastly but not the least for sure.... thank you Lord for not making me a quitter...ever !


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For whats it worth...

With a zillion thought zipping past your mind how do you decide which one to pen down first when you decide to start blogging again... I registered for a blog marathon event at National blog Posting Month http://nablopomo.ning.com/ .. thinking of taking up the challenge with two of my Twitter/Facebook friends Prateek http://blog.prats.co.in/ and Preeti http://justamotheroftwo.blogspot.com/ . Been a week since that day and I wasnt able to post anything.. to many days spent worrying over a relative's health .. make that two now .. and then there were the usual demons to fight of my own...
While Prateek and Preeti are doing marvelously I decided to make a start .. am not sure if I can keep up writing for the next one month .. one post everyday but I would like to make a sincere effort starting today ... it may not be a long post as I am used to writing but I would try to make one post a day...
Coming back to deciding what to pen down .. I would start with something nice and not so gloomy .. its best to concentrate on the good things happening in your life than the not go good ones. I CHOOSE TO START GOOD!..For the rest of the not so good things in life there is always an ignore button .. people, thoughts, memories... everything can be ignored !

A few days back while commuting to work I was introspecting ... was actually surprised about the way I have turned out as a human being ... I've was really clueless about myself for sometime now .. I mean I never really took a good look at the mirror and checked myself out .. but come to think of it I like myself. Despite all my foolish mistakes of the past today I find myself better poised to face the world alone today ( I lay stress on alone here because I feel one of our biggest weaknesses is insecurity..fear of being alone ). Like they say courage is not about screaming the loudest in the midst of a crowd , its about whispering aloud alone.

I am not sure if I am courageous but I am confident ..

...of my own abilities , my own vices and weaknesses ...there was a time because of my stupid mistakes I would often tell my cousins not to look upto me as a role model because I mess things out all the time...but ask me the same question today and I would say why not..
Perhaps the best gift my friends gave me on my birthday were those words which would stay with me for the rest of my life .... one of them said " I look upto you today ".. another " I would like to be like her at that age" ... I was pleasantly shocked because never have i ever thought I would hear those lines .. and when I sat back and reflected I realised they were damn right .. thought not everything but yes there are parts of my life, my personality that is something to be looked upto .... needless to say I was touched..
Another surprise was from another photog friend ( quite senior in the corporate world) when over dinner he said " you have a great personality and you are very transparent " ... I paused and replied back that day with a confidence " yes I have a good personality" .. that would have surprised me a few years back.... I would have never uttered those words ...
I have grown a lot( I would have started this line with "I think" but I am more sure of the "I have " part of it ), .... past 2 years since Mom passed away have been painful but now when I look back and see the way I have tried to move on and make something out of my life I feel I have finally started living a part of my dream ...
Dream of trying to be a decent human being ... am not scared of making a mistake anymore...of striving for things I beleive in , doing things I have always wanted to do ..realising what I am good at and what I shouldnt bother trying to master ...and being proud of whatever little or big that I have achieved so far...

....making attempts to mould a life which I will be proud of a few decades from now ...

My experiments with the homo sapien male- Part 1: First Date

I read you post on being a commitment phobic singleton' That was one of my close friends on the phone. I havent spoken to her for more than 6 months and I guess the post triggered her to give me a call and find out whats wrong with this girl. Cant blame her. Having a bf is a full time job by itself and a possessive one is like the cherry on the top. Even new borns dont give you so much teething problems as a new relationship does. Trust me, I can just write a thesis on this subject. Coming back to her. She confessed she hasnt been giving me enough time ( I didnt know we were going around (;-) ) but she was worried about my state of mind. I assured her I was doing great and was actually enjoying my single status, infact more than I ever did since I started dating ! That word was the trigger which could possible be the sole reason for my mobile bills overshooting my credit limit. ' Are you dating?' She asked. I gave a non committal answer. Persistance thy name is my best friend. ' Tell me how many men have you dated lately' I panicked! I could actually count the numbers on my one hand without bothering counting my thumb ' You know how I hate that word babe' I dont hate that word but defence is the best offense during such times. ' Plus in India dating is not such a popular concept. I mean you met a bunch of wierdos who are all out for some TP.' I have had such wierd experiences on dates that I really think twice ( sometimes thrice) before going on one. My bfs have been my close friends and I never really dated them. The men I dated turned out to be wierdos or despos or chipkus or stickers etc. Coming back to her and me. We spend an hour or more discussing the various dates I had been on and their outcomes and suddenly I realised that irritating though these failed dates were I can look back and laugh over a couple of them now. Not that I never had a perfect date but then it was not necessarily with the perfect man. By far the one day which always overshoots my data-o-meter reading for the most absurd date would definitely be my first date ! I never recovered from its aftereffects. Here is an account of the maha event right from the horse's ( mare's) mouth.


First Date: The Sinking Titanic

I had my first date when I was in my second year of engineering. And I still remember that day vividly. Oh the early mistakes of adolescence haunt you forever. I was hugely into online chatting. It was a novelty, required less investment of time and money and was fun. So why not! Those days even creating an email account used to give me such a high. So here was I, online on hotmail with this guy chatting for precisely 1 week. He is 7 years older to me. A decent guy, running his own business and boring. My vacations were round the corner and I had a stop over at his city to meet a few relatives before proceeding for home. He wanted to meet me but I wasn’t all that keen. I mean I wasn’t exactly looking for a boyfriend since I was only in my 2nd year of engineering and really not much interested in getting involved so early. I knew when I said yes to his request it was more of a desire to have some forbidden fun. Or rather my best friend wanted to eat at a fancy place but being students we didn’t have money so she cajoled me go along with it. Of course she was with me. Atleast both of us can have some good food and if he turns out as boring as he sounded we will have each other to while away our time.

First impression-Skinny! Second- Are those wrinkle lines! Third: Nevermind!

He was not only boring but weird. My friend ordered pizza and coke and silently slipped off to the next table to give us some “quality time” to talk. That B**** obviously was enjoying my discomfort. Once she had her needs taken care of I was left to fend for myself. Nursing my coke I could manage some bland answers to his equally bland questions when suddenly he blurted “I really like you and would like to marry you”. I choked on my coke literally. (What the F*** did I get myself into.) I am sitting across a weirdo who just met me a week back and is now completely smitten by me? Get me the mirror people? Did I really miss the next Miss India or Universe the last time I checked myself in the mirror? “You have amazing eyes and hair” Yes, a gift from my mother. “ I like the blend of traditionalism and modernity that you exude” Did he come from the stone age where women rarely wore pants or opened their mouths not only to eat but also to talk. I knew I had to flee. Forget the pizza wasn’t here yet. I could very well see in shuffling on his seat and ready to go down on his knees if I even fluttered a no. I signaled my Best Buddy to save me. She was too busy chatting up with another guy in the next table. Damn B****! She got me into this. I excuse myself to the washroom and frantically gestured her to follow me. Once inside I narrated the entire conversation and there she was rolling on the floor laughing her fat a*** off!
Save me! I pledged a pizza treat. Those days I didn’t have a cell phone but she did. Quickly we launched into a plan to have a friend call her exactly in 10 minutes and we would pretend that my uncle had asked us to come home immediately cause it was getting late.

I fixed up my hair and with a beaming smile went back to the table. All along the way I could feel his eyes on me. Gosh hope he didn’t have X-ray visions. I would kill myself eve if I feature in his wet dreams. I was nauseous even thinking of that possibility. Hold on! It will be over soon I assured myself.
Back to his sweet nothing which were increasing becoming suggestive I counted each and every nano seconds to the 10 minutes. The phone rang! She made the right distressed expression on her face. Rushed to inform me my Uncle was furious. I quickly slipped into my role. Made all the reluctant sounds and noises and rushed out. I swear it was so difficult while I was dancing with glee inside. Sigh my dramatics skills did help.... ( total nautanki hai hum! )
Once in the cab , I punched my friend and warned her not to repeat the act next time!... she made a sombre face and apologised and suddenly we two were laughing out respective ample asses off ! I can never forgot that day. Memories are so vivid even after a decade. And we still pull each others legs over the same...
About the guy.. he was permanently added to my ignore list.. after that incident I was careful about who I date. I would rather meet someone as a friend and see where the conversation continues. This way I do not need to tolerate wierdos ..nor do I raise any expectations from people and well I make great friends !!
The Sinking Titanic will definitely be a chapter in my life that I cant forget.....

( reposting from an old blog )

Been sometime....

Blogging used to be very therapatic for me until 6 months back.. when i decided to pursue photography as a hobby. I dunno why I ever picked up this hobby. Maybe it as something that got me closer to someone I love.. but its an irony that today I am closer to my hobby and not to that person anymore. Perhaps thats why people always talk about not making anyone your object of affection but rather an inate object or a skill which will stay with you for the rest of your miserable life. My relationship was shortlived ( it has been the case with my prior relationships too) but my affair with Photography continues. Its surprising how I have been a failure in a man-woman relationship all my life but have been excellent in keeping true to my hobbies and career aspirations. I guess i am not really meant for anything emotional with regard to anymore. There is nothing that i can do right where a relationship is considered and there is hardly anything i can go wrong with these other things. Been out of touch with my ex for a week now and trying to give priority to my life... have finally realised there is nobody who can take care of my other than myself... blood tests, doctors, medicines... first priority lately, hobbies and career second, friends and family ( whatever is left of it) is next since i do not wish to get too entangled in emotions anymore ....
I am doing good... maybe in a few months i can say I am healthy too... more tests to go ...mentally i have learnt to block out unpleasant times and thoughts... i have also learnt to block out good memories that hurt and have kept myself extremely busy to have time to ponder.... thats the best i can do .. but then a stray tear does escape once in a while....human after all...
Used to blog at another URL but too many friends know about it.. blogging here is better.. i can keep the pain out for a few hours atleast without having known people relentlessly calling and asking about my well being.
I am doing well.. getting away from someone who was merely adding to more hurt was the best decision of my life ... i do not wish to be treated as just another person in his life.. i deserve better... and I do not think I am ready to settle for anything less...I have one life and I do not wish to have any regrets later.... I have lived well.. loved with all my heart and learnt from all my mistakes... this was perhaps the biggest mistake of my life because I committed it knowingly....
its going to take a long time before I forgive myself for it .... each day is a trial... but each day makes me stronger...
Its me making amends with myself today .....